


What're we gonna do with all this love?

by Maxyfairy



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race (US) RPF
Genre: F/F, Marriage Proposal, Notes, Soulmates, songfic exchange, tw: self harm implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:02:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,351
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28271340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maxyfairy/pseuds/Maxyfairy
Summary: A month or so ago Jackie began to find notes that her girlfriend left for her. After every fight they had, a big one or just a small disagreement, a new one always appeared shortly after. Jackie thought it was cute, but not every note was as happy and sweet as she thought they'd be.
Relationships: Jackie Cox/Jan Sport
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18





	What're we gonna do with all this love?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ChaoticNachoKitten](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaoticNachoKitten/gifts).



> Hey,  
> This story is a gift for Chaoticnachokitten for the songfic exchange from atresia on Tumblr. I really hope you like it because you know how much I complained about it 🙈  
> It's loosely based on the songs:  
> All this love by Robin Schulz ft. Harlœ and Armour by Landon Austin (I listen to this song all the time now and I really love it)

A month or so ago Jackie began to find notes that her girlfriend left for her. After every fight they had, a big one or just a small disagreement, a new one always appeared shortly after. Jackie thought it was cute, but not every note was as happy and sweet as she thought they'd be. 

_Babe,_

_I love you and I loved you before I even knew you. I knew that somewhere out there was my person. You're my person. I never doubted it._

That was the first note Jackie found. It stuck inside one of her books like a bookmark. She was curious and read it. The words made her feel warm and loved. Jan was at work, so she had put it there while Jackie slept. They had different time schedules. Jan works as a singer and dancer instructor in a big studio across town. Jackie's a writer and works from home most of the time so she can sleep in. When Jan got home, Jackie engulfed her girlfriend in a big hug and kissed her on the head. She had already cooked dinner and had waited for Jan to come home.

_Jack's,_

_Let's take a walk down memory lane. The first time a weird line appeared on my knee I freaked out. I asked my mom about it and she told me that it had to be my soulmate, who hurt themselves, probably by accident and got a scar. You seemed to be really clumsy, because line after line appeared on my body. I was so happy because I knew that there was someone out there for me to love, someone who will love me just as much_. 

The second note was longer. Jackie found it in her bag at work. It was one of the few times she had to go to the office of her publishing company. She slowly unfolded it and read it. It reminded her of the first time she tripped while playing with one of her friends in kindergarten. The falls often left small scars. She didn't know of soulmates back then. Her parents never told her anything about them and when she asked about the lines on her elbows or legs, she got ignored. Jan was an energetic child, she had told Jackie that, so it wasn't surprising that she fell often. Jackie tried to find books, but didn't find any because she didn't really know what to look for.

_My love,_

_Each night I would lay in bed and caress every line before I could go to sleep. I dreamt of you, but I didn't know what you looked like, where you live and whether you were a boy or a girl, but it didn't matter to me. I knew that you were there and that gave me enough comfort._

That note she found on her bedside table, under a cup of chamomile tea. She drank the tea while reading it. It brought her back to the days when she finally found a book about the weird lines that appeared. Jackie read it and quickly discovered what the lines on her body meant and she felt on top of the world. Somewhere out there was her special somebody. She almost immediately felt like it was a girl, but never told anyone about it. It was her own little secret. She didn't feel safe to tell anybody.

_My Jackie,_

_The years went by and the marks and lines didn't appear as often as they used to. I thought you grew up and are more careful. But I was so wrong. I know that now. Your mom tried to make you her perfect little girl and you were not allowed to do much, hence no more falls or accidentally bumping into objects._

Jackie thought back to the moment she realized what her mother tried to make out of her. She had to write good grades or she would be punished with chores or she got grounded. Jackie really tried to be good for her mother, she didn't know any better. Her mother wanted her to become a doctor. Jackie always wanted to do something creative like writing, but her mother had strictly forbidden it. So she secretly wrote stories in a small notebook that she kept hidden and never showed anybody. As they moved in together for college, Jan found the notebook with the stories and asked Jackie about them. She encouraged Jackie to live her dreams. Becoming a writer was one of the best decisions Jackie had ever made in her life. She was free to design stories as she pleases and make the characters like she wanted and nobody ever complains.

_Honey,_

_You showed me pictures of the little girl you used to be. I can't see it anymore, the little girl who would just speak when she was allowed to and acted like a robot to please her mother. You're louder and more energetic now. Everybody loves you, but you don't see that. Only I get to see your darkest hidden sides, when you break down because you don't feel good enough. You try to please everyone and put yourself last. But will you ever be pleased with yourself that way?_

Looking back at the pictures of herself and Jan she realized how lucky she is to have such an amazing and supportive partner at her side. Jan is everything she never was. Openly gay, energetic and she could easily show affection to other people. It was a hard time to realize that she liked girls and didn't want to be with a guy. Her parents tried to set her up with sons of their colleagues with a lot of money. Jackie didn't like any of them, but went out with them to please her family. Nowadays she still tries to please her friends and tries to be like them. She knew she could be herself with them, but old habits die hard. 

_My everything,_

_I love you so much it hurts. If we ever come to an end, I think I would fall apart. I can't imagine my life without you. We fight a lot these days, more than we used to, but I still love you more every day. I knew you would hurt me, that's normal I guess. I still wasn't prepared for how much it hurts to fight with you. I know not every pair of soulmates stays together, but I know for certain that I want to spend the rest of my life with you._

Jackie hates to fight with Jan. She built an armour around herself when she was with others, but when she was with Jan she could let it down, that she could be herself. It felt like she was almost bulletproof to the words of others. She built up a wall and that dodges the words from the others, but not with Jan. Jackie could let her walls down with her. The accusations she often heard from her girlfriend hurt, but deep down she knew it was true what Jan said. She needed someone who would help her to break the old patterns her parents built. Jackie was stubborn, but so was Jan. She always wants to deal with anything on her own, but Jan made her see that she didn't need to do that. She took a break from work and searched for someone who could help her. It wasn't easy to take that step, but she felt that if she didn't try to be better she could lose Jan and she didn't want to even think about it. 

_Baby,_

_We met in kindergarten, but became friends much later, when we were teenagers. We never played together and found out from pictures my mother showed you of me when I was little. When I saw you for what I thought was the first time, you took my breath away. You were the prettiest girl I had ever seen, with your long wavy brown hair and chocolate brown eyes. Your eyes were so kind, but loneliness shone through. I knew I had to be friends with you, but you didn't have any friends and didn't seem interested in any, so I was scared to approach you. We didn't get along at first. I was too energetic for you and not perfect enough to fit into the picture of the friends your parents wanted for you, but I fought and you finally gave me a chance. We almost immediately clicked after that and spent every free minute at school together. Your parents were not supposed to know that you're meeting up with me. I hated it, but accepted it, because you meant too much to me already._

Their relationship towards each other started rocky. She was not supposed to have any friends that her parents didn't pick for her. Jan was different. She bursted into her life and made it brighter. It took everything Jackie had to reject the friendly offers from the bubbly girl. After some time her resistance broke and the friendship they built was everything she ever wanted. Jan understood her and the fact that they only talk at school. The fear that her parents found out was enormous.

The moment Jackie fell in love with Jan was always edged into her brain. They sat at a table at lunch. Jan noticed that Jackie doesn't have anything to eat and offered her half of her sandwich. It was such a normal gesture between friends, but Jackie never experienced something normal like that. Her parents always told her how to act and that she had to be quiet, sit still and look pretty. The joy and happiness inside Jan's hazel eyes, when she took it made her heart beat faster. From that moment on she knew that she wanted to see Jan happy all the time.

_Love,_

_After months your parents got told about our friendship and you were not allowed to meet anyone. That's when new lines appeared on my body. At first I didn't recognize what was happening. I don't even want to think of the location. Everyday when I look at them I feel like crying. I did not know why they appeared. I only knew my person was going through something and that I couldn't help her. Yes, at that moment I was sure my soulmate was a girl. I didn't know it was you, but I knew that I couldn't do anything and it made me feel so powerless. I cried as I watched every new line appear, because I couldn't do anything. You later told me that it was your first time you did it and with time you're regretting it, but at that time it was the only way out for your feelings._

_Reading that note made Jackie cry. It was the darkest time of her childhood. The moment her mother found out about her friendship with Jan was horrible. In her eyes Jan was too loud, too colourful and just too much with her bright personality. Those were all the things Jackie loved and still loves about Jan. Jackie got grounded for having a friend like Jan. Almost every movement she made was registered by her parents. She needed to cope and didn't know better. That her doing would be noticed by her soulmate didn't even come to her mind. She just needed an escape. Jackie didn't know who her soulmate was and she was sure she wouldn't meet her in this lifetime._

_Jacks,_

_The moment you ran away from your family and stood on my porch, with your huge backpack, I knew that something big must have happened. It was in the middle of the night and I knew you never did anything against your parents wishes. We hadn't talked to each other for weeks, so you can imagine my surprise when you stood there, but you already know that because I told you this a million times. The first thing I noticed was that you were crying and my heart broke. Nobody should make you cry. You told me that you didn't know where else to go so you searched for my house. I invited you in and made you a chamomile tea to calm down. We went upstairs to my room and you immediately started crying again. I softly took you in my arms like you were something that could break when it gets touched. We sat down on my fluffy carpet and stayed like that for hours. You began to tell me everything. How your parents treated you and that you couldn't take it anymore and you ran away. That was the first time you really opened up to me. You told me a few things before, but now it all made sense, your behaviour and why you never had friends. Your parents scared them away. I was the only one that tried enough and who stayed. I kissed your temple and told you that everything would be alright. We later fell asleep on the carpet wrapped up in each other._

Running away from her parents was the hardest decision Jackie had ever faced. She was 17 and almost an adult. She could decide about her own life, right? Jan was the only person she wanted to see. It was in the middle of the night, but she didn't care, she had to see her.

Cradled in Jan's arms, sitting on the floor made her realise a few things. She felt more at home in Jan's arms than she ever did with her parents. Jackie didn't connect the dots back then but she knew Jan was special. 

The days went by and her parents searched for her and wanted her home. Jackie decided to stay at Jan's and that she didn't want anything to do with them anymore. It was a really hard time but with the help of Jan she got through it. Jan was her anchor and grounded her. 

After a particularly huge and dumb fight about a place they could go when they finally had some vacation. Jackie wanted to go back to Phoenix, because they had a good time there and there was still so much to discover. Jan wanted to go somewhere that was closer to Hell's kitchen. I'm the end they decided to talk about it another time and went into different rooms. Jan stayed in the small living room and Jackie went into the bedroom. Jan knew this would happen and hid a big note on her side of the bed. 

_Babe,_

_This will be the last note, for now._

_The first time you kissed me was magical. It was the moment I knew we were meant to be, I could feel it deep inside me. We were both scared of the future and what it will do to our new found relationship. The first time I saw a longer line on your arm, that was exactly in the same place and it looked the same as the scar from when I broke my arm in elementary school because I fell off a tree, I wasn't sure whether it was because you are my soulmate or it was just a line on your body. I asked you why you had that line and you told me it just appeared and that you assume that your soulmate fell or something. I showed you the faint scar on my arm and you looked astounded. It was the moment I had always dreamt about, finding my soulmate, my person. I never imagined to find you, my person so quickly and so near by, I mean we were only 16 and 17. We didn't know what to do with all the feelings and all that love that we had towards each other. It was a long journey but look where we ended up. I couldn't be happier. I have you by my side and I know that you will always have my back whenever I need it. We stayed together even though it was tough at times. I know it's really hard for you but you have in and made your first appointment with a therapist that can help you. I'm so proud of you Baby. I love you and I will always love you. Could you please turn around now?_

Jackie took a deep breath, wiped the tears that began to run down her face in the middle of the letter, it wasn't really a note because it was too long, away. As she turned around Jan stood there, with glass eyes. 

"Don't cry Baby." Jackie whispers and lifts her right hand up to caress Jan's cheek. 

"I just love you so much. I don't want to fight all the time." The blonde woman sniffed, as she rubbed her eyes. 

"I love you too. We get through this, we're just really stressed." Jackie murmured and pulled Jan into a tight embrace and kissed her hairline. Jan's arms automatically wrapped around her waist.

"I meant it when I wrote that I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Jan said into Jackie's neck. 

"I know princess. I want nothing more than that." Jackie told her. 

"Could you please reach with your hand into my left back pocket?" The blonde asked. Jackie obliged, bended her body in a weird way to reach the pocket while still holding Jan in her arms. She let her hand wander inside the pocket and hit something with her fingertips in the pocket. 

"Pull it out." Jan ordered softly. She grabbed it and could feel the form of the small object. Her breathing stopped for a few seconds. Was this really what she thought it was? 

"J-Jan?" Jackie breathed. She wasn't sure how she should react. 

"I didn't want to do it now, but it feels right. We've been together for almost 10 years. You have made them the best years of my life and I want to continue to live my life with you, as a wife. We overcame so many obstacles and it wasn't always easy, but we managed to support each other through those times. I know we just fought, but it always reminds me that I can't imagine my life without you. I don't want to wake up in 12 years and think about what we could have been. Our timing was never perfect, but we made the best out of it." Jan pulled away from the embrace and held out her hand. "Could you please give me the ring?" She asked. Slowly as if she was paralyzed Jackie lay the ring on Jan's palm. Jan held the ring in front of her and went down on one knee.

"I know we barely talked about it, but I want to ask you. I thought I'd plan it out with the notes, because you're a writer and you love to read. I never intended for them to become that deep, but they come straight from my heart and that's what counts. So I'm asking you, Jacqueline Cox, will you marry me?" Jan looked deep into Jackie's eyes as she asked the question. Jackie froze and her eyes went wide. 

"I … uhm … I … Yes, yes of course." She stammered still not believing what happened. Her partner, her best friend and soulmate asked her to marry her and spend the rest of their lives together. How could she say no? Jan is her everything, her whole world. Jan stood up and almost tackled her to the ground in a crushing hug. She pulled away again and carefully took Jackie's hand and slipped the ring on the 4th finger. Jackie pulled Jan closer again and kissed her softly. 

"I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you." She whispered in Jan's hair. 

She wants all the domestic stuff with Jan. Growing old, raising kids, maybe getting some pets and just spreading the love they share with each other and everyone around them. Now it was their time to live and love and never look back. 


End file.
